Thursday, December 31, 2015

The Best Beauty Tenderonis From 2015

It's the end of the year. Let's review.

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Monday, December 28, 2015

Living For Liv: A Ranking Of Olivia Benson's SVU Hair

Real talk: as I've been packing/moving/unpacking/hating my life, I've been watching the shit out of Law & Order: SVU, and by proxy, Olivia Benson.

If there's one thing I obsess over while watching this show (in addition to why every acts like Amaro isn't blazing hot -- does everyone in the NYPD have impaired vision?), it's Detective/Sergeant Olivia Benson's hair. It's an ever-changing and almost always glorious mane, that at times is only like a step-and-a-half below Carrie Bradshaw's best TV hair hair.

I've been drinking wine, so my brain told me it would be fun(ish) to rank Liv's hair looks from worst to best. Let's delve into the mane-ia (OH MY GOD I HATE MYSELF) before the buzz wears off.

12. The Worst Worst (Worse Than Capt. Cragen Being Gone)


11. What Even Is This And Where Is Elliot

While I actually think this color is pretty friggin' delightful on her, but this cut is a snip away from being a bowl cut and a flick of the wrist from an '10 Bieber. No, Liv, no.

10. More Brass Than The NYPD

Oh, look, this hair matches her camel, faux-suede thing. Medium-hard pass for me.

9. Flipping Out Like A Creepy-Ass Perp

This (along with number nine) is giving me strong Lisa Rina vibes, and I mean that in the worst way. I hate Liv with flips.

8. Hot Head Like Amaro

Liv looks like sex with this hair. It's all about that FACE. This is a great Liv.

7. I Miss You Munch

This is old-school Benson hair: not a highlight in sight, and a straight-up round brush blowout, like any lady of the early '00s would covet. It's nice. It hearkens back to a simpler time, when Detectives Munch and Stabler were still in our lives.


I like Liv with bangs, so suck on that.

5. Liv's Life And Hair Get Centered

After ten billion years, Benson gets a promotion and a center part. One of those looks really good on her and one of those is meh like whoa. You guess what's what in this bitch.

4. Too Glam For The Slammer

This is pretty, and completely unrealistic to Olivia Benson's busy life. Homegirl doesn't have time for a curling wand. Get out of here with this hair, Dick Wolf.

3. Tousled Waves (Bye-Bye to Stabler)

On the other hand, these waves are much more believable. Back to sex head. Into it.

2. Swoop-y Side-Bang Benson

This highlight placement and swooped out bang are almost my favorite OB hair to be had. It's quintessential current-ish Liv to me. Hair that would turn any Harry-Connick-Jr-playing-an-ADA-for-a-hot-minute's head.

1. Sleek, Shoulder-Length, and Special (Victims Unit)

This is the Liv-iest Liv hair that's ever lived. We've got great color, a deeeeeep side part, volume, and textured ends. It gives Liv (and me) life. I salute this hair, Sergeant.

Runner Up: OB The Cat

This is Taylor Swift's cat, Olivia Benson. Okay, okay. This mofo is cute. And those ears are adorable. BUT YOU'RE NO LIV, LIV.


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Tuesday, December 22, 2015

3 Easy-Ass Tricks To Make Lipstick Last FOREVAH

There are days when your lips are all, "FEED ME (MOISTURE), SEYMOUR," and you slather the hell out of your lips with the glossiest gloss that's ever glossed. Then there are the times that you crave a lasting color on your lips that won't fade away like the hotness of the dudes in Color Me Badd. Group B, this is for you.

Don't even worry, there's no need for you to go out and buy a long-last lipstick for all of that, Jazzy Jeff. There are some easy steps you can take to get that long-ass lip wear without spending one more penny on another lip product.

1. Line Time, All the Time.

You'll start by lining your lips, but not in a brown-liner-on-the-periphery-and-wait-for-the-white-frosted-lipstick kind of way that you might think of when I say lip liner. I'm talking all over your damn lips, like you're using a Barbie-sized lipstick. 

This works like a primer for your lip, and just gets the shit you're about to apply to stick like an Elmer's glue stick for your ass. I will almost always use a nude-colored liner, regardless of the lip color I'm going to apply, but if you want the shade to stay vibrant as eff, line with a similar-to-the-lipstick color.

2. Skip the Gloss, Boss.

Listen, I love lip gloss as much as the next Mariah Carey impersonator (this is just an assumption), but gloss sucks when it comes to staying power. You can quite literally kiss that shit goodbye after one sip from your constant companion, AKA your wine glass.

Instead, use a lipstick for lasting color. Matte finishes last the longest, but I actually picked a pretty moisturizing shade (CoverGirl Lip Perfection Lipstick in Spellbound) for this, just to prove you don't have to use something that will suck all the moisture out of your mouth to get this hootenanny to work. Live your life -- you know how I do.

3. Do It Powdered Doughnut Style.

The last step in the game is to grab a separated tissue or that really thin and shitty two-ply toilet paper and put it over your freshly-painted lips. Apply a translucent powder over the tissue/TP/whatever you want, using a puff or a powder brush.

The powder will soak up a little of the oiliness of the lipstick and get that shit to stay like Lisa Loeb, without any of the drying or discomfort of a long-wear lipstick. Now you're free to go do your damn thing, without that c-block of a faded an uneven lipstick situation.

Watch out mouth, here comes wine.

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Monday, December 21, 2015


In the best thing you've ever heard in your life news (no, Koala Yummies aren't coming back), Vulture has just reported that the possible/questionable/it's-just-a-vibe-I-get douche James Franco will be remaking everyone on the planet's favorite movie, Mother, May I Sleep With Danger. Merry Christmas, Happy (belated) Hanukkah, and Happy (early) Kwanzaa.


This person.

You know, this human being.

The person that's always keeping it 100 on the streets. Totally real. (Tor-tally Real?™)

Just stays keeping it all the way real.

Speaking of real talk, I have this shirt. Bye forever. Or until MMISWD reboot is presented to my eyeballs.

Be honest -- is today the most exciting day of your life? If you say no, I don't even know you.

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Monday, November 16, 2015

Video: I Got Botox Today

I'm not shy about my Botox use, and I got injected today. Let's get all up in it.

I'm just working on these frown lines, honey. And this night cheese.

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Thursday, November 12, 2015

Here's Your BFF Jennifer Lawrence, Who You May Or May Not Be Over

Are you still into J Law(r)? Or are you of the camp that thinks her whole deal is a shtick-y shtick shtick and you've had just about enough of her bullshit? Like the whole, "LOLZ I FELL AGAIN" thing is definitely a thing now, but I happen to still find this little Hot Pocket endearing as eff, and I hate everyone, but that's just one layperson's opinion.

I did glean an interesting bit from this video -- Jenny LIKES A BOOTCUT JEAN. How Jennifer Aniston 2.0 of her! I bet she slathers on the Aveeno, too.

I wonder if hanging out with Jen 2.0 is like going zip lining. At first you're like, "This shit is fun," but around zip line seven of ten you're more, "I think I'm done and I might vomit if I don't get this GD helmet off."

JK, JL. I love annoying zip lines and I would soar through the sky forever with you. Islands in the stream, that is what we are.

I've had wine.

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Tuesday, November 10, 2015

10 Bad B*tch Beauty Products Under $10

I LOVE some cheap-ass-ness, but only if it's good cheap-ass-ness. No one is into a crappy beauty product, whether it costs two cents or two billion cents. Sorry for 2004.

With this in mind, I put together a list of some of my favorite stuff I haven't necessarily beaten you over the head with (AKA my Maybelline Brow Pencils in Blonde), and that all cost less than one thousand pennies.

1. L'Oreal Mega Moisture Nurturing Creme 

I did a post on L'Oreal Mega Moisture Nurturing Creme as one of my first acts of blogging a million years ago, and I'm still on its jock. Full disclosure -- the price of this (with a Sally's card) is $10.29, but C'MON.

It's basically ten bucks.

I have never used a more moisturizing conditioner than this mutha. And it smells like a damn fruit-bearing flower, in the best and most fragrant way. AND it makes your hair shimmer and shine like a brand new Crystal Pepsi. Refreshing.

2. ColourPop Lippie Stix

ColourPop Lippie Stix are one of those products that (along with 99% of other life things) I don't really understand. "Bichette," the red beauty reclined like a Degas lady in front, is one of my favorite lipsticks on this planet and it costs FIVE MF-ing DOLLARS. FIVE. How is this real? And, also, how long do house flies live? 

See, there are a lot of things I don't understand, but mostly how these lipsticks are $5. And how gravity works.

3. Maybelline Lash Sensational Mascara

I used to be pretty snobby about mascara, especially when it came to Maybelline. I was like, "Great Lash? More like No Thanks Lash." (I'm really great at word play.) That was until I tried Maybelline Lash Sensational and fell the eff in love. 

I've gone through two tubes of this magical, inky goodness that somehow lengthens and really brings the volume heat, and loved every minute. I recently branched out and tried a new mascara, because that's kind of what I'm supposed to be doing here, and it's FINE, but I miss this stuff. A lot. I'm going back. That is all.

4. Ardell Demi Wispies Lashes

Don't judge the grossness of the lashes above. I've used them ten to twenty times and haven't thrown them out, because I'm a cheap-ass scrub.

These might just be my favorite lashes, and that you can get four friggin' sets for $9.99 from Ulta might be a large part of my infatuation with them. I also like that you don't have to treat them like a delicate princess of a flower -- you can do dumb shit like put mascara on over them -- unlike the expensive and ethically-shed mink bitches I also own. I just always seem to come back to these. They're easy, cheap, and don't have the constitution of a Victorian lady. And if these things go sideways (literally or figuratively) YOU CAN THROW THEM OUT.

5. L'Oreal Brow Stylist Plumper

I bought this L'Oreal Brow Stylist Plumper in Medium to Dark without even knowing what it was all about. I was really just curious about it, and also have a strong desire to hold all of the world's brow products in my wine-stained paws.

It apparently has tiny fibers in it to mimic brow hairs or some shit. I don't know what the hell is going on in that tube, but I'm into it. It's like a non-crunchy tinted brow gel that also makes your brows look a little thicker. Please reference above, where I don't understand how these things work.

6. Batiste Dry Shampoo

My scalp oil knows no limits. It could be an alternate energy source.

Having a dry shampoo on hand every-friggin-second is a necessity, and Batiste Dry Shampoo (in a million varieties) is the only one I really care to have. It doesn't smell horrible, actually works, and doesn't leave a crime scene of powder all over your hair and scalp. This is that shit. Get it.

7. Floss Gloss Polish

Floss Gloss Nail Lacquers are hands down (har har) my favorite nail polishes. The colors are dope and they don't have the bad shit in them. I've never met a FG polish that I wasn't completely obsessed with.

I'm going to be featuring one of their newer shades (it's in the pic above and I LOVE IT and I bet you can guess which one) in a video on my current favorite stuff, which will probably be filmed in 2056 because I'm reliable.

8. Palmer's Cocoa Butter

I recently told the tale of how I first fell in love with Palmer's Cocoa Butter almost twenty years ago. It's an ongoing and devoted saga, because it's still my ride-or-die choice when it comes to moisturizing.

And my newest cocoa-scented discovery is that Palmers with SPF is even better. It smells even more chocolate-y, while allowing my vampiric tendencies to flourish. I'm basically Count Chocula.

9. Not Your Mother's Dry Finish Texture Spray

Although this texture spray is not my FAVORITE favorite, that's reserved for Bumble and bumble Dryspun Finish, this is by far my favorite drugstore hair score. My friend Shauna (who has fantastic hair) told me I had to try this, and she was not lying. This stuff is good. Just don't get too loosey goosey with the spray job -- too much will give you cotton candy hair.

10. NYX Soft Matte Lip Cream

NYX Soft Matte Lip Cream is straight-up fantastic. "London," the homie up front, is my go-to for all of my nude lip needs. It's beige-y and not orange. The formula is matte without being drying and crinkly. It's everything I want in life.

I got a Facebook message from someone a couple months ago that was like, "HELP, I'M AT TARGET AND I NEED A GREAT CHEAP LIPSTICK ALSKDJFLKAJF." And I was all, "This shit right here."And that's how it always goes. I'll tell random shoppers, too. I'm annoying.

And there are all of my secret (and not so secret) cheap-ish favorites. I am spent, but my money ain't.

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