Showing posts with label Why Did Someone Make This. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Why Did Someone Make This. Show all posts

Monday, June 20, 2016

Mother, May I James Franco All Over A Movie? (A 'Mother, May I Sleep With Danger?' Recap)

As I sit here typing this, I am disappointed in myself on so many levels.

I'm sad that I didn't even want to watch this movie, with my well-documented love of the original. I feel shame that I didn't want to support Tori Spelling in her time of need -- like I'm letting down generations of Spellings.

Aaron is smiting me from beyond. Candy has cordoned off (just one of) her former gift-wrapping rooms in protest. Tori is weeping silently as she locks eyes with Dean Whatchamacallem across the decidedly-not-gift-wrapping room. Randy (???) exists somewhere. 

So, even though I don't feel like watching this complete nonsense, I will fortify my spirit with cheese and recap the new, James Franco-ed, Mother, May I Sleep With Danger. Because if not me, then who?

"Noooo onnnnne," hisses Aaron Spelling's spirit, who lives in all of our hearts, like my mom told me about Santa. No one, indeed. So, let's get this over with.

Well, here's the opening screen. And I already have a problem with this Clip Art font with the red glow.

Wait. Did I make this movie in a fugue state and this is my cinematic masterpiece? I would've chosen this shitty shit, because I'm a piece of trash juice garbage and know nothing about anything. Franco, whaddup?

We're now 18 seconds in, and I see a tiny, glimmering beacon of hope at the bottom of the screen. Ivan Sergei, the titular OG Danger is somehow involved in this. I will press on.

JAMES IHA, OF THE SMASHING GD PUMPKINS DID THE MUSIC. Peace be with us, what is happening already.

*The first song that plays is a woman repeating either "cult" or the c-word over and over. Here, we also are told this movie is based upon a novel, and I wonder if I, like all dogs, have gone to heaven.

Our first character (Danger???) is a purported goth with a bump-it and crimped hair. I need so much more cheese fortification.

Danger also loves contour. I tried to tell y'all to stop contouring so much.

At four minutes in, we're hit with the big, dramatic reveal: Danger is a "Nightwalker" or a "Night Walker" or "kind of like a vampire," and features these truly frightening fangs. Un-clench your b-holes, I know you're terrified.

We're now at six minutes, and the protagonist has stabbed her "kind of vampire" girlfriend through the heart after she is bitten by Danger, and Danger says protagonist is now a whatever thing, too. OKAY, COOL. IS THE MOVIE OVER NOW?

Protagonist is now a vampire, or something. So maybe she's Danger. Please send help.

OG Danger is a "Vampires & Sexuality" professor. Holy shit, this is the most James Franco movie that's ever James Franco-ed.

We then get *treated* to 948509483 minutes of Macbeth monologues, including this guy's, whose name is Bob, as 2016 college students are wont to be named. James Franco is, of course, the drama teacher. Treats on treats. It's like Treat Mountain, 90210 over here.

Speaking of treats, we finally rest our tired eyeballs upon Tori, the mother of Probably Actual Protagonist. Still unclear as to who actual Danger might be.

Tori is planning some big Halloween party, for which she gives her daughter protagonist an invitation, in 2016. Side note: Tori actually looks great.

There's a lot of girl-on-girl photography in this movie? (FRANCO-ED!) Also, I guess former assumed protagonist is real Danger. We know because she's wearing liquid liner, while Real Protagonist is Fresh-Faced™ and has Beach Waves™.


So, that makes real life step-daughter?

Tori just found out her daughter has a girlfriend in 2016. Read more in Not Shocking Things That Can Happen weekly. Cue a lot of girl-on-girl face touching. (FRANCO-ED!)

But the show must go on! At Macbeth practice, we get a lot of this soft-core erotica while James Franco, drama teacher, plays high-key-trying-to-be-sexy music on a boombox, nods, smirks and says, "I did not direct that." (FRANCO-ED!)

At this point, I would like to remind everyone that Tori Spelling did Jazzercise on the lawn of her college in the original Mother.

Bob sees the "kind of vampire" coven kissing and calls Tori to tell her her daughter is in trouble. (He just has acquaintances' parents' cell phone numbers?) Tori then confronts Fresh Faced about the "bad crowd" she's getting into, to which Fresh Faced replies, "You don't know crap." Then something magical happens. Tori Spelling, née Donna Martin, SAYS "SHIT" IN A LIFETIME MOVIE. 

What a time to be alive. This truly is my life's season.

The chill "kind of like a vampire" group then feeds on a would be rapist, so now we're rooting for the vampires? I don't know what's happening. We still have almost an hour to go.

Tori tells FF she can't see the girlfriend anymore, so they go take more ~sexy~ pictures, which is really 97% of this movie.

There is one more scene, where the group tells Real Danger she has to turn FF into a "kind of vampire," then guess what happens? If you guessed MOAR PICTURE TAKIN', you are smart. Or James Franco.

But, meanwhile, somebody's being a real looky-loo.

Danger reveals herself to be a Night Walker (why do they keep saying that?) but explains that she tries to only go after abusive men. So...she's maybe only danger and not Danger. FF runs away. Tori is still hiding in some flora and/or fauna.

More not-at-all-over-the-top brand play practice as James Franco, drama teacher, rubs his facial scruff in the cheap seats.

Then there's graveyard sex because FRANCO-ED! and FF says she still loves Little D danger and wants to become a Night Walker because they'll B 2GETHER 4EVER and just drink each others' blood? I don't think that's how vampires work, but also James Franco seems well-read so what do I know.

It's time for Tori's party, which is like 65% masquerade ball? It's not clear. Bob drugs FF's drink and his face looks like this. If anyone ever looks at you with this face, call the police. There's some kind of ball-shaped pill in your champagne. So maybe Bob is Danger.

As the ball pill kicks in, the mask percentages go up to like 80. Bob becomes DANGER as he takes FF out onto a grassy knoll.

Thankfully, the "kind of vampires" swoop in and dispense of Bob. Bob, we hardly knew ye. Bai.

Tori finds FF right before the knock-off Craft girls bite her and change her into a whatever. Tori's wearing her costume, which I guess is a flapper madame in a Vegas-style show in Branson, Missouri?

Somehow, Bob is back and super smug, just in time for Macbeth. James Franco, drama teacher, makes everyone snap a bunch of times, say "ooga booga" over and over, then it's SHOWTIME.

New Bob is even weirder than old Bob, so DANGER, I guess.

I don't think the play is going that well, but Tori is loving it. FF is playing Macbeth and she's wearing fishnets, so that's how you know it's cool and progressive. And because she's a girl! How topsy-turvy. (FRANCO-ED!)

Bob starts ad libbing and James Franco, drama teacher, is like, "What are they doing?" up in the cheap seats, where drama teachers sit, and Bob is just apparently being a Night Walker on stage like it's no big.

FF runs off the stage so Bob Walker DANGER doesn't kill her, but he and the other whatevers follow her out and the audience is like, "Is this the play?" So, it's just kind of like a normal play and they're just kind of like vampires.

They end up in the sex graveyard, where Tori runs in to save FF. Tori is pretty judgmental as a mom, but she keeps saving her kid from murders, so that's good.

Bob tries to kill Tori, while the Craft lite, but vampires, try to kill FF.

Girlfriend swoops in and starts ripping out tracheas and breaking tombstones.

FF is trying to save Tori by beating Bob with a tombstone gargoyle, and the viewing audience is like, "Whadda way 2 go, amirite?" (FRANCO-ED!)

Weirdly, Bob says "I love you" before the final death blow. (Franco-ed?)

Little danger drags FF out of the sex graveyard after the melee, leaving Tori's dead body. Like, rude but time-saving, I guess?

FF finally gets maybe danger to bite her and make her a why-aren't-we-just-vampires-Night-Walker. Hopefully that works out. Eternity is a long-ass time and y'all just met, but live your undead lives.

We end this cinematic dumpster fire (I mean that in the most loving way) with Bob and the other chill NWs rag-tagging it up at a Halloween party the next year, trolling for vics. Their faces are all looking a little rough from the gargoyle beatings and removed tracheas, but besides that, they're flying high on life blood!

So who is titular new Danger in Franco's masterpiece? I have no idea. I think definitely rapists, and maybe some, but not all, "kind of vampires." (FRANCO-ED!)

This was my opus. Good day.

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Wednesday, January 13, 2016

The Best Things To Wear With Your Hard Rock Cafe T-Shirt

pic via etsy

At the pinnacle of '90s glamour, there was one clothing staple -- the Hard Rock Cafe t-shirt. Whether you selected the classy combo of white, flat gold, and chocolate brown colorations, or something a little more avant garde (like above), you had to have one of these mofos.

Once you had chosen your fine treasure, you would then be confronted with the biggest and most important decision in your life -- no, not what to name your future children or your adult career path -- how to wear your fancy HRC tee. Here is your style guide.


Because who doesn't love to hear their thighs swish about, singing the songs of the south(ern parts of your body)?

Knee-Length, Cuffed Bongo Shorts

pic via ebay

 To simultaneously highlight and smoosh your kneecaps.

A T-Shirt Ring

Bonus points for tortoiseshell, because it's classy as eff.

A Blossom Hat

When crushed velvet and gigantic faux foliage collide, the world wins.

A 29' Woven Leather Belt

It can never be long enough.

Slouch Socks

Warning: there are a lot of fetish pictures of slouch socks, so don't google that shit.

Keds with Those Curly Shoestrings


A Shitload of Tendrils

The thinner the tendril, the closer to Satan.

Or a Rat Tail

Actual Satan?

With a Crystal Pepsi in Your Hand

Because this tasted like cream soda made a baby with cola flavors, and everyone wants to sip on that.

The Sounds of "Cantaloop (Flip Fantasia)" in Your Ear Holes

I still have this CD single. It was the best dollar I ever spent.

Along With These in Your Ear Holes

These are timeless earring MVPs.

This concludes the most useless thing you'll read today. Or in your extended-by-cutting-edge-technology-well-into-your-100s lifetime. Bye.

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Monday, September 21, 2015

GUUUUUURL Of The Day: Burger King's "Black Whopper"

I could be on an episode of "True Life: I Love Black EVERYTHING." Because my heart and soul are black as eff, and you know this, and I tend to think the darker the better (in all scenarios). So much so that my husband and I were watching some show on Discovery ID, like every second of every day in my life, and it was about some goth kids murdering someone. He was like, "I can't believe you weren't a goth." And I said, "It's too much work and feelings. Otherwise, I would have been." The point of that pretty pointless story is that I like black shit. A lot.

BUT THIS HALLOWEEN-Y "BLACK WHOPPER" LOOKS MF-ING GROSS. Why do I want to eat a black bun? How does that even make this a Halloween hamburger? Nary a candy corn or a snaggle-toothed pumpkin in sight.

How boring.

And ordinary.

And not even really trying.

Just pour some liquid smoke in a box and tell me it's a "Ghost Whopper." I'll respect that more.

via a hopefully inaccurate report from Business Insider

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Sunday, April 5, 2015

The Could-Have-Been-A-Snapchat Video Of The Day: Let's Do Fitness

This is what I did today. Watch if you're so inclined. If not, I totally understand. My life is bullshit.

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Friday, December 5, 2014

WTF O' The Day: Usher Charged His Phone Using A Lady's Bathing Suit Area

To be logged in the the Book of WHYYYYYYYY, Art Edition™: Usher charged his cellphone using a woman's vagina for performance art. (Little known fact -- the Book of WHYYYYYYYY? was started by Nancy Kerrigan. Too soon?)

sorry i did you wrong, nanc.

This just proves that I don't know shit about art. I usually just picture people painting and stuff, and maybe something semi-scandalous happens, like in that Big Eyes movie. I never thought to put a battery pack into my lady cave and charge my favorite '90s R&B dude $20 to jump start his iPhone. That's just entrepreneurial. And thinking outside the box. (I deeply apologize for that.)

I think if I were going to battery (literally) pack myself, I would power up a panini press. Or maybe a George Foreman grill. You know, give back to the community with my downstairs food. Or I could plug in a boombox that played Salt 'n' Pepa on a cassette tape around the clock. Those are really my only viable options.

Okay, I'm done here. I promise.

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