Showing posts with label Recap. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Recap. Show all posts

Tuesday, September 2, 2014

An Introspective Look (HAHAHA, YEAH RIGHT) At The Unauthorized Saved By The Bell Story

We open on throngs of screaming kids (Jesus, take the wheel) at a SBTB probable mall appearance in 1990. It's the height of the kids' popularity, and bitches be wilding, et al. "But it wasn't always this way," Screech ruminates, and we go back TWO WHOLE YEARS to see the rocky start.

Right from the jump off we learn that this is Screech's (okay, Dustin Diamond, complete birth name) story. Well, kind of. He's apparently an executive producer, but didn't contribute to the script. Or the production. This shit is way #unauthorized. And jankety.

We learn that the OG show was called Good Morning, Miss Bliss, because HELLO, IT'S HAYLEY MF-ING MILLS. Google that shit if you're too young to pick up what I'm throwing down. Blah, blah, blah, it gets cancelled and morphs into Saved by the Bell. My favorite part during this "act" was the total shade thrown at Jennie Garth, who was up for the Kelly Kapowski part. The show biz-y mofo's were all, "We can do better." HAHAHA. Take that, Kelly Taylor!

The kids are doing their boring homeschool, or whatever you call on-set learin' times, and we get to see Slater wearing all of THIS. We also get to see Zach (Zack?) dying his roots. I feel you, bro.

The big wigs tell the kids that the ratings suck a fat one. But don't worry, the ratings are amazing in the next scene! Wowee wowee wow!

Now we're back to the opening scene, where girls are literally ripping the shirt from Zach(k)'s tiny body. Is this nip pic illegal? Also, everyone in this movies seems super Canadian.

We next see Screech going through such tough times as: not getting groupie strange and the wardrobe lady saying, "I hate working with kids!" Ruff. This all leads to daydreams comprised of whatever the eff this is:

via lifetime tv tumblr
Mark-Paul Z likes Lisa/Lark, but she's a Jehovah's Witness, so she can't go on dates. But then Tiffani-Amber and Mark-Paul (Yeezus, with all of the damn names) have to kiss, and they maybe like doing it, or something. Unclear.

I 100% had that shirt in 1993. I'm talking about Mark-Paul's. Why is this my life?

Everyone starts hating Screech/Dustin's ass because he laughed at Jessie/Elizabeth's hilarious "I'm so excited...I'm so...scared," pill scene, so he goes on a garbage-can-kicking/drinking-straight-vodka-from-a-flask binge. Sacre bleu! (Remind me to tell you the story of me throwing up in the yard of a party after drinking a water bottle filled with vodka at 16. It was a straight horror movie. You've got to come harder than that, Screech/Dustin.)

Then Screech/Dustin allegedly punches out this kid, which I can 100% guarantee did not happen IRL. He also does karate and drinks from a flask again. Where the shit does a 16 year old kid get a flask? I don't even have a flask and I'm a grown ass woman. Do I need a flask? Is that what the kids are doing these days?

All the kids are doing press tours, and poor Screech/Dustin has to go to Spartanburg, SC (NC?). NOT PARIS, USA. He again drinks from the flask, which may or may not have a dragon on it. It might be a yin yang symbol. Again, unclear. He also tells his dad that he got laid. Guh-ross, amirite?

Everything starts going crazy (in the most tame way possible). Jessie and Kelly quit, and Screech/Dustin starts taking the marijuanas. THE GATEWAY DRUG. After being a total druggy, Screech/Dustin get blackmailed over a video of him smoking pot. I mean, how much can one person take?!?

Finally, the children all graduate and we can put this shitshow to bed. This was the least scandalous unauthorized form of anything that I've ever seen. I was 0.000000% shocked by anything. Good job not being terrible kids, I guess?

Did you watch this mess? What did you think?

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Monday, July 7, 2014

True Blood Musings: All Blah-ed Out Over You

We open on a LA kara-tay dojo, apparently.

Okay, not really. It was a yoga place with this short-shorted homeboy leading a bunch of peeps through what seems like a pretty obnoxious vinyasa flow.

Wait. But why? Is this dude Jason in disguise? Did LaLa hit up the West Coast, after being inspired by the Lana Del Rey song, and take up downward dogs?

Let's discuss after the jump.

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Monday, June 30, 2014

True Blood Musings: Bored To Death

Here we are. Another week, another TB episode down in the FINAL COUNTDOWN.

This week we open on an Eric/Jason vignette, that I won't immediately spoil, so jump and we'll talk about this scene and all the trimmings. Meet you at the crossroads.

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Monday, June 23, 2014

True Blood Musings: Down With The Sickness

I have to be honest. I have no MF-ing clue what happened last season, because I'm a serious old and watch way too much TV, but apparently we ended on an insane note.

Everyone is SUPER stabby and filled with Hep V, I guess. Okay, here comes the break so we don't spoil, so click through for to talk about the beginning of the end of this hot ass mess.

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Wednesday, February 26, 2014

The Greatest Moments Of Judgement In The Downton Abbey Finale

The finale of "Downton Abbey" was this week, and overall it was pretty damn adorable and full of feel goods. But don't be fooled, there were still a ton of judgey-faced moments to relish. Let's re-live them all together after the jump.

(Obvs, some light spoilers ahead if you haven't watched.)

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Tuesday, August 20, 2013

True Blood Musings: Low-Hanging Fruit

For most of this episode, I felt like this:

BECAUSE IT WAS THE FINALE, MUTHAF*CKAS. (And I'm used to being boozy. And bougie.) Let's talk about it after the damn jump.

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Monday, August 12, 2013

True Blood Musings: One Flew Over the Vampire's Nest

Happy Wedding day? Funeral day? I don't know what the f*ck is happening. Let's all find out together after the jump.

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Tuesday, August 6, 2013

True Blood Musings: Vampire Brides

It's 'bout to be a GIRL FIGHT! This week, Blah-ll continues to annoy and bore the masses. Let's talk about how much we hate his ass after the jump.

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Monday, July 29, 2013

True Blood Musings: I Get So Emotional, Baby

Is there anything better than when Eric gets all maternal and sh*t?

Let's break it all down to vampire town after the jump.

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Tuesday, July 23, 2013

True Blood Musings: It's About to Be War

Last time we saw Sookie, she looked like this. WHAT HAPPENED??? DID SHE PASS ON FOREVA AND EVA???

Jump, and we'll talk about this mess.

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Monday, July 15, 2013

True Blood Musings: Errrybody's Effed

You guys know how I felt about the first few episodes of TB this season.

Luckily, it HAS gotten better. Now I'm a little more like this.

I won't spoil it for you peeps that haven't watched, but serious ish-nay went on this week. Jump with me, and let's talk about it.

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Monday, July 8, 2013

True Blood Musings: Gotcha, B*tch!

Well, things are FINALLY starting to get good in this b*tch. And this episode was full of these kind of moments:

Let's jump so we can talk deets and not upset those late to class h's that haven't watched yet.

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