The Chef Too Sexy For His Shirt, And The Other Best Stories Of The Day

via buzzfeed

This all-around sexpot was fired from my hometown-area Chili's for doing generally gross shit like lying shirtless on the area where they make your Southwestern Eggrolls. How rude. He also uploaded the pictures he took of his unsanitary ass to Facebook, and created an album called "Sexy Cooks of Chili's," TAGGING THE LOCATION WHERE HE WORKED. Is it too late to use Antoine Dodson's "You are so dumb" here? Too late if it's too late. -- Buzzfeed

via daily mail

In other dude body news: A new virtual autopsy (what the eff is that?) revealed that King Tut had "girlish" hips because his parents were brother and sister. Hot. My own observation reveals that homie's alleged thorax looks like a boobless Kim Kardashian. -- The Daily Mail

via abc 7

This kook in a chute tried to get into a dude's house and ended up getting stuck in his chimney. She did this sexy Santy Claus deed after they met online, went on a handful of dates, and the house guy broke up with her. My main concern is how her hair still look so damn lustrous. On another note, dudes until the end of time will be quoting this in an argument for "bitches be crazy." Thanks, lady. But seriously, what shampoo do you use? -- abc7.com



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Lady Gaga Serves Up Her Butt Cheeks With A Slice Of Pizza

via gaga's FB

I am not slut-shaming here when I say that this is too much, Stefani. I've worn some of the whoriest whore outfit in my day, including wearing a shirt as a dress. Ain't no thang, man. In current times, this a little more my speed, but I still feel where you're coming from:

But here's where this all swerves a sharp left for me -- I CAN'T EAT PIZZA WHEN THERE'S AN ASS CHEEK EXPOSED IN THE ROOM. It's the same reason that you won't find me at an all-you-can eat cinnamon bun buffet at a strip club. If I'm a hair (sorry) from seeing a cooch or a b-hole, I just feel strange tearing up some grub in the same room as another person's exposed bathing suit areas. Call me old-fashioned.

Conversely, this doesn't bother me in the slightest:

via gaga's FB

You're clearly at a bar of some sort. Show them Ts, guh. Live your life.

Am I insane with this logic? Do you guys mind eating next to somebody's pair of Mr. Cheeks?



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Jude Law Auditions For Yesterday's "Tits Out For The Boys Tuesday," Doesn't Quite Make The Topless Cut

I know you're all, "It's Wednesday, ya' dumb dumb," right now, because I'm talking TOFTBT on a non-Tuesday...day. But I couldn't let these photos of Jude Law's teddy bear moobs just wander by my eyeballs without comment. That ain't me, babe. And I was going to post these last night, but then I drank a glass of wine and got a case of "forgot to do shits." Whatever, let's see more skin.

Ugh, Jude is such a dude. He doesn't even know how to squeeze citrus/bend over in a slutty top without showing off all the cookies.

A few general observations here:

1. I would wear this entire outfit.
2. It's kind of adorable that he wanted to wear his brand new freakum tee to shop for produce. (Look at the sharpness of that sleeve pleat. This top is fresh out the shopping bag.)
3. Is he doing the "use your arms to push your tatas together" trick in the last picture? DOES HE KNOW ALL OF OUR LADY SECRETS?

Sorry, Jude. You just barely missed out on TOFTBT. If only that deep ass v was a little deeper. Better luck next time!

I'm still using the gif. I can't NOT.


all Jude pics via buzzfeed


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My "I'm Just Not That Into You" Celebrity Moments of the Week

Listen, I know that I hate just about everything, but there was a hell of a lot of sh*tty nonsense going on this week.

YOU GUYS. JT and JB showed up to premiere of that terrible looking Timberlake/Affleck movie wearing matching suits. I'm pretty sure that Biel is Single White Female-ing JT and Benadryled him into wearing this mess. I mean look at those hazy ass eyes. Something ain't right. I need to see receipts!



Ready for the ultimate day ruiner? Baby Biebs is now a shirtless/tie-dyed tank dress wearing rapper. I really can't even with this b*tch anymore. I don't want to hear any song that involves penises and Bieber-related things, like, ever.

 The likelihood that I might vomit is currently strong to quite strong.



Speaking of vomitous information you can't use, here is the state of Gwyneth Paltrow's pubic area.

Nope.

And speaking of Gwynnie, when the f*ck did Brad Pitt turn into Robert Redford?

I mean, Robert Redford is hot and everything, but Jesus take the wheel -- I'm not ready for that jelly. That means all of our asses are old.

And in my favorite news of the week:

via daily mail

C Stodd got turnt the eff up so much that she broke off the control knob. Bruises be damned and everything.

Homegirl got crunk as hell in London the other night, and I strongly suggest that you check out all the pics over at The Daily Mail.

Happy weekend, if you get one of those. Celebrities, carry on with the grossery. I can't wait.



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Adrienne Maloof Dons Her Best Freakum Onesie

Hey guys, remember that time that Real Housewives of Beverly Hill's Adrienne Maloof was 51 years old? Probably. Okay, then remember when SHE forgot?

Holy effin' kitten mittens, that's a lot of errrything happening in one tiiiny piece o' cloth. Lettuce take a wee bit closer look.

Well that was a huge mistake.

 

Now, let me be clear. I'm not just being a Judgy McBFace because I'm a terrible prude. I've had my own major days o' ho dress, myself.

This way my standard (obviously) garb for my late teens/early twenties. BUT, there' a time to leave that Bebe peek-a-boo/sheer/high-waisted/hot pantsed/koala bear face (it's my new name for extreme camel toe) inducing romper on the clearance rack, Maloof. AND THAT TIME IS NOW.

Hold for applause....

Good day.

AM pics via celebitchy

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Justin Louise (???) Bieber, You Stop That Right Now and Go to Your Room!

I can't can't take much more of this, Biebs.

pics via JB's instagram

I know that changes are happening to your body that you don't really understand, yet, but Imma need you to pull your pants up more in the crotchal region. And you probably don't really need gloves when you're working out on Soloflex. And posting topless ass pictures of yourself under the pretense that you're mocking the media isn't fooling any hoes, honey. Now go into time out, and I'll bring up a Berenstain Bears book about keeping your mother effing shirt on in public. And, yes, you can have one more pack of Gushers and a Hi-C Ecto Cooler.

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