THE LILO 'DONE DID HIM' LIST IS LEGIT.

This might be an unpopular opinion, but I like Lindsay Lohan. And not in an ironic way. I do think that she's kind of a shit, in a I've-been-famous-since-I-was-12-and-I'm-surrounded-by-users-and-yes-men kind of way, but it seems like she's trying this time around.

Also, she might be making some truth revisions to some things she's saying. And the way that she insists upon her bronzer being applied is questionable. BUT SHE'S TRYING. (I think.)

So I like her. And I like that she admitted her eff list was applicable to real times. I really didn't expect that.

Sorry, Biel, she and JT got jiggy with it. Put that in your protein shake and drink it down. She's going to be doing hate-squats ALL NIGHT tonight.



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Lindsay Lohan's ALLEGED Done Did It List Of Famous Dudes (With Bonus Speculations)

via in touch

With the premiere of Lilo's new reality show, creatively named Lindsay (which everyone should watch, by the way, it's beyond interesting), the tabloids are hot on her a-hole, breaking new stories of homegirl's sordid life. In Touch is leading the trash pack with a story about Lindsay writing out her "personal conquest list" of famous dingalings. Yay!

Before we delve into this list, let me say this: I'm taking this story with a million grains of salt. This deal was supposedly written over a year ago, and now a "friend" has turned this treasure over to the rags. There are really only a couple of options of how this played out, if it is indeed real. Either sweet cheek's friends are total dicks, or LL's people released this list for publicity for her show, hoping more schmoes might watch in hopes of her mentioning a tidbit about what Adam Levine's ween is like. I hope it's the latter.

There are some totally expected hoes on this list like Wilmer Valderamma, Colin Farrell, James Franco, and Adam Levine. Those dudes are kind of the Sausage o' the Month seeming types, so I'm not impressed. But Heath Ledger? I can't. Justin Timberlake? I hope it was during his ramen-esque hair era. Zac Efron? Hrmsmdfjl. (You can interpret that for however you choose. You're probably right.) I forgot Lukas Haas existed, so good for him. Evan Peters? That seems...odd. I refuse to even acknowledge Jaime Dornan, because my brain won't allow that to happen. He's crazy hot, and I won't let him be tarnished in my loins/heart. But, holdup. JOAQUIN PHOENIX??? That's some weird effery. I actually want to see that happen. On a scientific level. With microscopes and shit. As for the rest of the mens up on this list:

Here's the most interesting thing about this sexcapade catalog: WHAT THE CRAP NAMES ARE BELOW THE BLURS? I NEED TO KNOW! Don't worry, I have some theories.

Wilford Brimley

SATISFACTION GUARANTEED, YOU GUYS.

Fivel

Sorry, Fivel, that's super inappropriate.

Dracula

They did it old timey style, whatever that means.

Count Chocula

Same. He a freak.

A Very Pleased With Himself Clay Aiken

Because they're redheads, or something.

A Dinosaur Pool Float

No explanation needed. This guy's really hot.

This Guy

)

Do you guys think that this list is the truth or a GD lie? Let's hash this mess out.



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I Can't Wait For This Sh*t/I'm Worried About This Sh*t: The Lindsay Lohan Reality Show Trailer Is Here!

I'm so torn (thanks, Natalie Imbruglia) on this Oprah-funded Lilo reality show, you guys. On one hand, I can't effing wait to see this mess. On the other hand, this is a terrible idea for this human person. On a third, fake hand, I wish Linds would scale back on the hair extensions. It's like she's wearing a ginger Lady Godiva Halloween wig. There are so many emotions boiling around in my head, it's like a witch's cauldron of crazy up in here.

Like, I genuinely want this girl to get her actual sh*t together, but she's so wrapped up in being "Lindsay Lohan," and going to clubs, saying people stole from her, and just being generally dramatic and acting like it's still 2007, that I don't know if she will let herself. It's friggin' sad, man.

With all that said, I'm still watching this effery. How do you guys feel about this? Will you be watching? I need to know how Tina Fey feels about this.



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In I'll Be Your Agent News: A List of Appearance Gigs for Lindsay Lohan

As many of you b's may have heard, TMZ reported (then unreported) yesterday that emails from a talent agency were circulating saying that Lindsay Lohan was available for hire to do appearances at events such as weddings and barmitzvahs. So even though it turns out that this mess probably isn't true, it prompted me to think of what the best use of Lilo's appearance talents might be. I now present to you -- the top five new appearance gigs for Lindsay Lohan.

My Super Sweet 16 on MTV. Okay, so this show hasn't been on for a hot ass minute. But she could ride in on a Mardi Gras float in a showgirl outfit or something. Effin' perfection. How am I not an agent?

Grocery Store Grand Openings. There's probably free food and wine samples at these sh*ts, Linds. And they'd probably let you use those badass giant scissors. I would do that crap for free.

Cat Adoption Drives. Homeslice can help the community and cute animals. Maybe boo needs a little furry love in her own life, too. (Not in a dirty way, creeps.) Maybe you and Ali can go halfsies on the kitty litter, or something.

Breakdancing Competitions. There are a ton of a-hem "interesting" dudes (and ladies -- remember that?) at these things, I'm sure. And they've got so sweet, sweet moves. You bring the cardboard, they'll bring the funk, yo.

Netflix Kiosk Openings. Okay, it's not as glamorous as a REAL movie premiere, but $1 rentals are pretty affordable. And you can always pop into CVS afterward and score some designer imposter body splash. Win win!

 But on the real, Lilo, I love your ass just the way you are. Never change.

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Oh, Liz & Dick.

As I told you yesterday, I am doing a little mini review (???), or maybe just my random thoughts on last night's cinematic blah-sterpiece that is Lifetime's Liz & Dick. Here are some moments I felt necessary to photograph while I watched.

I need this snake thing.

It's Creed from The Office!

This whole scene was so fake and weird. It looked like it was filmed in front of an Olan Mills studio backdrop.

I'm sorry, but I love everything about this image.

Miranda's STEVE from Sex and the City! (He only had one ball.)

Totally my favorite moment from the movie. "Man Marries Duck! Court Cries Foul!" I can't even handle it.

Homeboy's hair was TURRIBLE the entire movie.

Lindsay looked the most like Elizabeth Taylor when she was in the "White Diamonds" phase. By a total landslide.

My thoughts of the movie as a whole -- the pace was completely weird. It was like a period of a few years was drawn the eff out over 1:45, and then twenty years were shoved into an awkward fifteen minutes. It was like, "Oh, hey. We're getting back together. We're married again; oh wait -- just got divorced. We're older -- Burton died." That is sadly not even an exaggeration.

A couple of other notable things included that the beauty mark drawn on Lilo's face kept jumping sides. It would be on the left side of her face, then in the next scene on the right. CAN YOU NOT KEEP TRACK OF THAT ISH? Keep a journal, or something. Then, there was an entire scene about Elizabeth Taylor having "pudgy hands." Like a ten minute scene spent on the topic. I sh*t you not.

Overall, I was pretty bored. It wasn't terrible, but I definitely would not watch that mess again. And I think that Elizabeth Taylor would be PISSED about the movie. Did you guys watch it? What did you think?



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GUUUUUURL of the Day: Lindsay Lohan's Liz & DICK Premiere Dress

via huffpo

We are mere MINUTES away from the cinematic moment of the year, no, millennium. Liz & Dick premieres on Lifetime tonight, and I cannot wait for this ish storm. Don't worry, I will be watching and documenting all the good good for a post tomorrow. But first, we MUST discuss this. Did I get reverse-Rip-van-Winkled and it's really the year 2000? Because that is truly the only reasonable explanation for this dress right now. Or that this b stole my circa 2004 lamp shade from my trash and removed the fuzzy boa sh*t, repurposing it into a dress. That is highly possible with ol' Sticky Fingers McTakesalot here.

Let's end on something nice, shall we? I'm glad that Linds is back to being a ginge. That is how I enjoy my crazies most of all. Now it's time for DICK! (And Liz.)



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GUUUUUURL of the Day: Lindsay Lohan's Poly Sci Tweets

The debate was last night, as you might've known if you want to watch 2 Broke Girls, or whatever, and were totally c-blocked. I love to go on Twitter during the Presidential debates because people get all fired up and ish and it gets super crazy. Little did I know that I was in for a wonderful assault on my eyes and brain, from ol' reliable -- Lindsay Lohan. Here's how it started:

B, what the eff are you talking about? Are you debating a ho? (In case it's not clear, the answer is no.) Why are you nervous? Then came this:

I'm sure that Bill Maher wants to message back and forth with you on your political thought/random nervousness, Lilo. And why did you take the "o" out of God? What is happening here? Well, finally the debate is over, and this pops up:

Oh, she's relieved it's over. EVEN MORE SO THAN THE FRIGGIN' PEOPLE IN THE ACTUAL DEBATE. I can't even with you right now, Lindsay Lohan. This is what it's like following this person on Twitter.

via unitedstatesoftony

And for that, Lindsay, you and your ridiculous political tweets are the GUUUURL of the day.

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No.

Ma'am.




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Am I Losing My Heart of Coal? -- Lindsay Lohan Edition

A weird thing happened to me today. I was reading about the latest Lindsay Lohan drama, and I noticed something. I felt a twinge of...sadness for her. I mean let's be real, we've all been done with this b for a while now, right? So it prompted me to create The Lindsay Lohan Chart of Feelings.

 Am I crazy, you guys? If I'm losing my c face, I don't even know how I'll live.


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So This Happened...

According to X17 Online, last night Lindsay Lohan, Lady Gaga, and Lana Del Rey had a sleepover at Chateau Marmont. During this CRAZY, crazy sleepover, they reportedly were "watching old movies and playing board games." Oh, ish! Hold me back. Below is an artist's (my) representation of what happened last night.

Oh, damn. GIRL TALK? This mess just got real.

If Mall Madness was up in that piece, I'm going to be jealous as hell. I wanted Mall Madness SO FREAKIN' BADLY, and my mom said it was too expensive. Sigh. Such a c-block of board game bitchin'-ness.




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I Say This Without a Drop of Irony: I CANNOT WAIT FOR THIS MESS

G-L-A-M-O-R-OUS. Yes.

 It has just been confirmed that Lindsay Lohan will be starring in the Lifetime biopic of Elizabeth Taylor's life. If you haven't gotten eyeball cramps from all of the rolling of them that you're doing, wait for this ish. The name of the movie: Liz & Dick. What the WHAT? Liz Taylor would be slapping a b across the face with some glittery gloves if she knew about this. That dame would NOT want the name of her biopic to sound like it belongs in the Romancing the Bone porn collection.

Was Tori Spelling not available? That b knows how to turn out a Lifetime movie. If you haven't seen this gem, you are missing out hardcore.

A wonderful cinematic experience

P.S. I found this while trying to find a picture from one of my favorite movies:

Amazing.

If Walt started dating a character played by Tori Spelling on Breaking Bad, I could die right now happily.

I doesn't take much for me.



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Don't Fall Asleep Tonight...

Because this might scare the tee tee out of you. (Wear your Nighty Nights just in case.)



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She's Baaaack

Pic via US Weekly

Lindsay Lohan left LA court today as a free woman. B's off probation! Pop bottles (please don't)!

I will say a quick "Thank you Jesus" to the fact that honey boo boo chile went back to being a ginge. I don't know what is happening so much with her facial sitch, but it (kinda?) looks good. She looks somewhat Leann Rimes-ish. But those toofs are looking good, and her skin looks like a human (and not an 80 year old one). But that pantsuit? Katie Couric, you are not. Even Ann Curry would throw you a hardcore side eye on that choice. And going up a size wouldn't kill you, kiddo.

Keep it together, Lindz.

Put one of these over your bed, and stare at it every morning. You'll be a-okay!

P.S. When you're bored (like you are after reading this ish), go to YouTube and search "Ann Curry." There are a bunch of videos of Ann Curry's legs. Why are creepers so creepy?




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