A Scene From The Saved By The Bell Lifetime Movie Is Here, And It's The Best Worst Thing Ever

YOU GUYS. It's almost time for the masterpiece that is The Unauthorized Saved by the Bell Story (cool name, dude) to be thrust upon our souls. (It comes on September 1, so clear your MF-ing palm pilots for that day, YOU'RE BUSY.)

If this sneak-peek is any indicator of the class of film that we have in store, we are in for a massive-ass treat. This shit looks terrible. But that should come as no surprise, because the "movie" is somewhat based on Dustin Diamond's book that he wrote about his experiences on the show. And if you've ever seen anything from real-life Screech Powers, he's kind of known to be (ALLEGEDLY) a pretty tool-y tool.

Side-stepping those issues, who are these actors? I feel like Napoleon Dynamite might have been the casting director. Here's a dramatic recreation of how I think casting went:

Casting person/director/I don't know these things: "Hey, assistant person, I need for you to find any group of four white people, an African American person and a Hispanic person. Doesn't matter who. Oh, and grab some blonde hair dye, an eyebrow pencil and as many pairs of pleated pants as you can find. And if they still make those bendy hair roller things, get some of those. 

Assistant person:
 

Aaaaaaand scene.

All of those things being said, I can't wait to watch the shit out of this. Assistant, bring me my Filofax so I can set it aflame to clear my schedule forever and ever.



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The Top 10 Reasons That Lifetime Movies Are The Best Things That Have Ever Happened To You

I don't love very many things. Like, probably three to seven, max. But GD-it, I LOVE LIFETIME MOVIES. I'm pretty certain that I have seen a solid 90% of them, too. After single-handedly keeping the Lifetime networks alive for the past 20 years, I have cultivated my top 10 reasons why you should be all up on Lifetime movies.

1. The titles. Even JD Salinger couldn't have come up with a better name than, "Mother May I Sleep With Danger?"

2. Like a fine wine (what's that like?), they just get better with age. There's nothing better than a 90s LM starring the likes of Fred Savage or Tiffani (I'LL NEVER LET GO OF AMBER, SO SUCK IT) Thiessen. But ultimately, it's all about Shannen Doherty, and don't you forget that shit.

3. You can relive your favorite true crime stories without trolling super creepy message boards, and getting flagged by the FBI. Thanks for the memories, "Drew Peterson."

P.S. YOU'RE HOT, ROB LOWE, SO QUIT PLAYIN'. YOU'RE CONFUSING OUR SEXY PARTS.

4. Bitches be crazy. Lifetime movies usually involve at least one way over-the-top crazy ass crazy, which is the ultimate in entertainment.

Okay, okay. This isn't even from the Lifetime version, but I can't live my life without this GIF.

5. You get to see Lindsay Lohan do shit like this, which never gets old.

6. Where else can you experience ground-breaking television moments like the guy from Office Space clutching women's underwear to his chest? Nowhere, that's where.

7. High fashion moments in history. Do you like dudes running in the shortest of short shorts in the 80s? (Who the f doesn't?) Turn on Lifetime Movie Network for five minutes.

8. Regardless of the movie plot, it will be dramatic as shit. Looking for titles that contain the phrase, "The Perfect ______," will lead you to the highest dramatic return for your time.

Bonus points if it stars someone from either Charles in Charge or Melrose Place.

9. They make history fun! And murder-y. Lizzie Borden was (ALLEGEDLY) guilty as hell, I now know. AKA, Lifetime movies make you smarter.

10. This is where bad friggin' hair lives comfortably, and is 0% ashamed of itself.

Mother, may I get a terrible haircut that involves wispy bangs? Don't lie. This is one of the top seven worst haircuts you've ever seen.

You can't tell how bad these Faux-di Arias extensions are from this picture, but they were nightmare inducing. I still think about them regularly. Like, Season-One-Orange-is-the-New-Black-Piper's-flashback-extensions bad.

Speaking of bad Jodi Arias hair, this is her real-life cellmate:

Try not to fall in love.




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YOU GUYS, the Trailer for the Anna Nicole Lifetime Movie is Here.

Remember that time a bajillion years ago when I told you that Lifetime was making an Anna Nicole Smith movie, and I created a fake cast? Well, that ish is on the brink of its premiere (it's on the 29th), and Lifetime used exactly ZERO of my ideas.

But, whatever, I'm totally not mad. Anyway, here's the trailer for this mess.



Clearly, I will be watching the sh*t out of this. I do have one issue, though. I feel like the actress portraying ANS would be better suited for a Jennie Garth biopic. amiright?

DAMMIT, KELLY! STOP MAKING IT ALL ABOUT YOU ALL THE TIME!




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Oh, Liz & Dick.

As I told you yesterday, I am doing a little mini review (???), or maybe just my random thoughts on last night's cinematic blah-sterpiece that is Lifetime's Liz & Dick. Here are some moments I felt necessary to photograph while I watched.

I need this snake thing.

It's Creed from The Office!

This whole scene was so fake and weird. It looked like it was filmed in front of an Olan Mills studio backdrop.

I'm sorry, but I love everything about this image.

Miranda's STEVE from Sex and the City! (He only had one ball.)

Totally my favorite moment from the movie. "Man Marries Duck! Court Cries Foul!" I can't even handle it.

Homeboy's hair was TURRIBLE the entire movie.

Lindsay looked the most like Elizabeth Taylor when she was in the "White Diamonds" phase. By a total landslide.

My thoughts of the movie as a whole -- the pace was completely weird. It was like a period of a few years was drawn the eff out over 1:45, and then twenty years were shoved into an awkward fifteen minutes. It was like, "Oh, hey. We're getting back together. We're married again; oh wait -- just got divorced. We're older -- Burton died." That is sadly not even an exaggeration.

A couple of other notable things included that the beauty mark drawn on Lilo's face kept jumping sides. It would be on the left side of her face, then in the next scene on the right. CAN YOU NOT KEEP TRACK OF THAT ISH? Keep a journal, or something. Then, there was an entire scene about Elizabeth Taylor having "pudgy hands." Like a ten minute scene spent on the topic. I sh*t you not.

Overall, I was pretty bored. It wasn't terrible, but I definitely would not watch that mess again. And I think that Elizabeth Taylor would be PISSED about the movie. Did you guys watch it? What did you think?



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Okay, Okay! JLH Has a Boyfriend.

Jennifer Love Hewitt has vajazzled her way into her The Client List co-star's heart. She has apparently been getting her chitty chitty bang bang on with her kind of sleepy-looking play TV husband, Brian Hallisay, for about eight months. Go 'head, girl, get down. I'm proud of JLH. B hasn't said a PEEP about this ish, and you know she likes to talk. Maybe someone finally dropped some truth bombs on her ass.

Although I kind of wish she was getting it on with her other love interest/brother in law on the show, Colin Egglesfield.

I mean, hey there, soulja. He's hot, so he took off his shirt, but his nips were cold. Okay? Keep up the sexy, Eggs.



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Wait, Lifetime Hasn't Already Made This Ish Into a Movie?!?

TMZ broke the exciting news (to me) that Lifetime is currently casting a movie depicting the life of Anna Nicole Smith. So, YES to that news. I love a tawdry ass Lifetime movie. Is there anything better? Here are my picks for to play this, ahem, interesting cast of characters.

Anna Nicole Smith --
 
My picks for Anna Nicole are Amanda Bynes as young AN, and Lilo as the older. And if you don't agree with me on this one, then...



Howard K. Stern -- In case you aren't completely up to date on Anna's daily life (What have you been doing???) Howard was ANS's long time lawyer and maybe lover (gross) and fake baby daddy.

I think that Michael Richards, aka Kramer from Seinfeld would be a great Howard. He's like a good 20 years older, but whatevs, it's fine.

Anna's son, Daniel --

Derek Hough from Dancing with the Stars is a pretty damn close match to AN's son, Daniel. I don't even know if he's really an actor, and he would have to do a little brow maintenance, but that ish is on point.

P.S. When I was googling to find a picture of Daniel, the FIRST picture that came up was a picture of his dead body. SERIOUSLY, PEOPLE? Is that what we're doing now??? The answer is no, we are not.

J. Howard Marshall -- This was that old homeboy that Anna married when she was like 20 and he was like 2840329.

If Herbert from Family Guy isn't a dead ringer for J. Howard, I don't know who the eff is. Ol' Herbs is clearly a cartoon, so maybe they could work a little Roger Rabbit magic on this piece.

E. Pierce Marshall -- J. Howard's son, who fought AN in court forever because she wanted homie's money. (Whaaaaaat?)

I think George W. Bush is a shoe in to play this dude. They're both from Texas, and let's be real -- old white guys pretty much look the same. My dad is also a good candidate.

Larry Birkhead -- Dude was a paparazzi, Anna's REAL baby daddy, and always seemed somewhat douchey. (Seriously, the movie is going to be so freakin' awesome.)

Larry HAS to be played by Keith Urban. They are total chunky highlight twinsies.

Will you guys be watching this trainwreck of a TV movie? Please believe, I will be calling into work the next day, because this ish will be parrr-tayyy time at my house. Do you have any better ideas of casting for these hoes? Let's discuss this mess.

Thanks to Sara for emailing me this hot mess and forcing me to write about it.


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I Say This Without a Drop of Irony: I CANNOT WAIT FOR THIS MESS

G-L-A-M-O-R-OUS. Yes.

 It has just been confirmed that Lindsay Lohan will be starring in the Lifetime biopic of Elizabeth Taylor's life. If you haven't gotten eyeball cramps from all of the rolling of them that you're doing, wait for this ish. The name of the movie: Liz & Dick. What the WHAT? Liz Taylor would be slapping a b across the face with some glittery gloves if she knew about this. That dame would NOT want the name of her biopic to sound like it belongs in the Romancing the Bone porn collection.

Was Tori Spelling not available? That b knows how to turn out a Lifetime movie. If you haven't seen this gem, you are missing out hardcore.

A wonderful cinematic experience

P.S. I found this while trying to find a picture from one of my favorite movies:

Amazing.

If Walt started dating a character played by Tori Spelling on Breaking Bad, I could die right now happily.

I doesn't take much for me.



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This Looks Horrible...(ly Awesome)!

Remember when Rob Lowe showed up a couple of months ago with that terrible blonde(ish) hair?

This is his finished product for Lifetime for the biopic of that creepy Drew Peterson dude. Listen, Rob Lowe is saying "bitch." I'm down!

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