Farrah Abraham Uses Frozen To Stunt Queen For Ween

via farrah's twitter

This story is about Farrah Abraham being ridiculous and inappropriate, part 4958630. I know, color yourself shocked. On this particular occasion, the grossness lies in the decision to dress up as a character in a Disney movie to sell her sex toys. In case you've found yourself unawares, F Dot sells molds of her lower bathing suit area for dudes to do sex things with. Yay for all!

This is so offensive to me. No, not that she's using a kids' movie to sell sex stuff. I'm talking about this shitty costume. What the hell is on homegirl's head? It looks like a mangled marching band hat and Mother Goose had an alien baby. Her legs are spray-painted white for no explicable reason. She's wearing gloves that really only belong inside a Spears/Federline wedding photo.

Inappropriate as eff. And worst of all, WHERE THE SHIT IS YOUR WIG?

If you're going to pull some stunt shit, pull some stunt shit. Don't half-ass it. Maybe take a page from a better stunt queen's book, bb.

See more pictures of this great tragedy in American history over at Uproxx. I have to go floss, or something. Everything is gross.



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6 Things I'm BEGGING You Not To Be This Halloween

I motherf*cking LOVE Halloween. Anytime you get to wear a costume, wig, and an ish ton of makeup without having a million judgement eyes on your ass is a great day in my nothing-is-too-much book. But with every upcoming H-ween deal comes the bad -- those horrible costumes that were created probably just to eff with my brain region. Here are my worst list, in no specific order. Please, please don't wear these bullsh*t monstrosities.

#1 - A Sexy Male Kid's Cartoon Icon.

via yandy.com (obvs)

You guys, is NOTHING sacred? No one wants to see a slutty version of the first cartoon they ever saw, before they were even potty trained. It's weird. And uncomfortable. For every b on the block. Plus, you will probably be sued by Disney if you wear this sh*t. It's not worth all that. Stick to slutty Mr. Rogers, it's much sexier.






 #2 - A Beer Pong Table...But Sexy.

via halloweencostumes.com

I mean, really, what the eff is this all about? A vinyl minidress and a ping pong ball necklace does not a college table game make. Beer Pong Table Costume, you are so dumb.

#3 - Whatever The Eff This Thing Is.

via yandy.com

WHAT IS THIS? No, seriously, tell me. If it's an octopus (don't make a lady part joke) costume, why are there roughly 10,000 tentacles on this b*tch? It defies even sexy logic. Go away.

#4 - Weird Food Sh*t, But Sexy. OBVIOUSLY.

via buycostumes.com

I love sriracha sauce. It's delicious. But that doesn't make me want to pull on some nude fishnets and a pointy dispenser-shaped chapeau and call it a costume. Somebody had a surplus of sexy ketchup bottle costumes from last year. Burn them all.

(Dis)Honorable Mention: A Sexy Banana With a Psuedo Ween.

via buycostumes.com

WHY WOULD ANYONE WEAR THIS? It doesn't even look like a friggin' banana, and the hang-y down thing creates the appearance of junk. Stop the insanity.

 #5 - Just A Lacy Bodysuit With Some Ears Hastily Thrown On.

via forplaycatalog.com

Please use one iota of creativity in costume creation, instead of going for the Mean Girls method of costuming.

Black lace bodysuits are best left for goth strippers (AKA my dream job) and not boring ass Halloween ideas.


#6 - ANYTHING Miley Cyrus Related.

via lookhuman.com

NO MILEY CYRUS COSTUMES THIS YEAR, in any capacity. My nonsense tanks are filled well past their limits with the Cyrus family, and I will cut you if you do this mess. I can hardly even look at a mullet lately, which breaks Billy Ray's achy breaky heart.

What costumes are you guys dreading placing your eyeballs on this year? Let's hash that sh*t out.



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Disney Rides Are NEVER This Fun.

Wait...So is this a ghost story? I am completely and totally jealous of every single effin' person in this video. The late 80's/early 90's were so equal parts magical and disgusting, weren't they? They were the best of times, they were the worst of times. And if that's what it's like to be a construction worker, sign my ass up. I didn't realize that strong choreography was a job requirement.




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And Now, for the Creepiest Thing I've Ever Written...

 I have a weird brain. These strange things just pop into my head at times, and I don't know where the eff they come from. If I lived in the 50's I'd probably be forced into having electroshock therapy right now.

The other day, I'm sitting around, and I think, "You know who I'd like to date? Lumiere from Beauty and the Beast."

That's my man.

I mean he's such a gentleman. You know he would be so accommodating. (Be our guest, and all that ish.) And that b is French! He's a butler (or something), so he can clean.

Lumiere is my number one pick of the NON-HUMAN DISNEY CHARACTERS THAT I WOULD LIKE TO DATE. (You can stop reading at any time. I know that there's something wrong with me.) Now before you call the FBI or something, I'm not talking about sexual weird crap. I don't need to be on My Strange Addiction. I'm not in love with the Eiffel Tower or anything. But...

Sexy.

My second pick is the Genie from Aladdin. He can grant you wishes, and has some badass gold bracelets I'd like to borrow. The con? He's voiced by Robin Williams. Um, nevermind. I don't want to date Mrs. Doubtfire...Or do I?

Yep, he's a bird.

My next non-human BF is Scuttle from The Little Mermaid. He's funny, and gives girls shiny presents. Actually, he might be a pimp. Be on alert.

Look at those tassels!

The last dude (?!?) on my list is the Magic Carpet from Aladdin. He can show you the world. Shining, shimmering, splendid. And the b can't talk. Are there any downsides?

Are you guys repulsed by me now? Or do you think that I missed someone (thing)? Please don't say something gross like the Tramp or Pinocchio. I can't even with that mess.



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What Would Ariel Buy?

Let me break it down for you: When I was a kid, I freakin' loved Ariel from The Little Mermaid.

Still a hot b.

I wanted to be Ariel with BLONDE hair, though of course. (Because I had blonde hair, natch.) I even once almost drowned (slightly dramatized version) in my pool because I was trying to swim like a damn mermaid with one of those stupid dive rings you play with in the pool around my feet. I was/am a terrible combination of imaginative and kind of dumb.

I am still, today, a little obsessed with Ariel. I have told you guys before that I love a gorge ginger, and this b is the epitome of the hot ginger chick (with a fish tail no less). So I started thinking, if Ariel was a real person, and lived in current times, what would she like? Sidebar -- When the eff was The Little Mermaid supposed to take place? The mess could have been anywhere between 1634 and 1920.

Bumble and Bumble Surf Spray, $24

Of course Ariel (person version) would totally be into beachy waves. And this Bumble and Bumble Surf Spray has actual salt water in it.

Lancome Color Design 5 Shadow & Liner Palette in Amethyst Glam, $49

A good purple shadow looks great on almost anyone, and we know that this color is great on Ariel, because, duh, her boob shells are purple. I own this palette, and the she's a beaut, Clark. It has a great shimmer level (not circa '97 levels of glitter), and blends very easily.

Trident Earring from Etsy, $40

If our modern-day Ariel were cool and even a little bit hipster-y, she would wear the hell out of this trident duster earring. And I think she would be. She liked shiny crap, and was possibly the world's first ever hoarder. Someone needs to buy this badass thing immediately, take pictures of themselves wearing it, email me the picture, and then I can hate you forever. I just like to hate people, like for fun.

Nars Body Glow, $59

Listen, when Ariel had legs, they were some badass gams, see? (read that in a 20's gangster voice) To keep those things looking spicy, I think that homegirl would appreciate a little glow on her skin. On the real, I haven't tried this ish, because it's freakin' $59, and I'm poor. But doesn't it just look like hot sex?

Local Celebrity Seashell Skinny Tank, $46

I mean, come the hell on. There are seashells. On a tank top.

Too Faced Full Bloom Lip & Cheek Color in Prim & Poppy Coral, $21

Ariel is used to living Unda da Sea, where everything's wetter...and you probably don't wear makeup. So she would totally benefit from using a product that has dual uses and is super easy to put on, like this creamy blush/lip combo from Too Faced.

What do you guys think? Would Ariel use all this ish? Or would Scuttle like it all...To poop on!

This dog said I'm a dumbass.


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