Monday, December 28, 2015

Living For Liv: A Ranking Of Olivia Benson's SVU Hair

Real talk: as I've been packing/moving/unpacking/hating my life, I've been watching the shit out of Law & Order: SVU, and by proxy, Olivia Benson.

If there's one thing I obsess over while watching this show (in addition to why every acts like Amaro isn't blazing hot -- does everyone in the NYPD have impaired vision?), it's Detective/Sergeant Olivia Benson's hair. It's an ever-changing and almost always glorious mane, that at times is only like a step-and-a-half below Carrie Bradshaw's best TV hair hair.

I've been drinking wine, so my brain told me it would be fun(ish) to rank Liv's hair looks from worst to best. Let's delve into the mane-ia (OH MY GOD I HATE MYSELF) before the buzz wears off.

12. The Worst Worst (Worse Than Capt. Cragen Being Gone)


11. What Even Is This And Where Is Elliot

While I actually think this color is pretty friggin' delightful on her, but this cut is a snip away from being a bowl cut and a flick of the wrist from an '10 Bieber. No, Liv, no.

10. More Brass Than The NYPD

Oh, look, this hair matches her camel, faux-suede thing. Medium-hard pass for me.

9. Flipping Out Like A Creepy-Ass Perp

This (along with number nine) is giving me strong Lisa Rina vibes, and I mean that in the worst way. I hate Liv with flips.

8. Hot Head Like Amaro

Liv looks like sex with this hair. It's all about that FACE. This is a great Liv.

7. I Miss You Munch

This is old-school Benson hair: not a highlight in sight, and a straight-up round brush blowout, like any lady of the early '00s would covet. It's nice. It hearkens back to a simpler time, when Detectives Munch and Stabler were still in our lives.


I like Liv with bangs, so suck on that.

5. Liv's Life And Hair Get Centered

After ten billion years, Benson gets a promotion and a center part. One of those looks really good on her and one of those is meh like whoa. You guess what's what in this bitch.

4. Too Glam For The Slammer

This is pretty, and completely unrealistic to Olivia Benson's busy life. Homegirl doesn't have time for a curling wand. Get out of here with this hair, Dick Wolf.

3. Tousled Waves (Bye-Bye to Stabler)

On the other hand, these waves are much more believable. Back to sex head. Into it.

2. Swoop-y Side-Bang Benson

This highlight placement and swooped out bang are almost my favorite OB hair to be had. It's quintessential current-ish Liv to me. Hair that would turn any Harry-Connick-Jr-playing-an-ADA-for-a-hot-minute's head.

1. Sleek, Shoulder-Length, and Special (Victims Unit)

This is the Liv-iest Liv hair that's ever lived. We've got great color, a deeeeeep side part, volume, and textured ends. It gives Liv (and me) life. I salute this hair, Sergeant.

Runner Up: OB The Cat

This is Taylor Swift's cat, Olivia Benson. Okay, okay. This mofo is cute. And those ears are adorable. BUT YOU'RE NO LIV, LIV.


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