I motherf*cking LOVE Halloween. Anytime you get to wear a costume, wig, and an ish ton of makeup without having a million judgement eyes on your ass is a great day in my nothing-is-too-much book. But with every upcoming H-ween deal comes the bad -- those horrible costumes that were created probably just to eff with my brain region. Here are my worst list, in no specific order. Please, please don't wear these bullsh*t monstrosities.
#1 - A Sexy Male Kid's Cartoon Icon.
You guys, is NOTHING sacred? No one wants to see a slutty version of the first cartoon they ever saw, before they were even potty trained. It's weird. And uncomfortable. For every b on the block. Plus, you will probably be sued by Disney if you wear this sh*t. It's not worth all that. Stick to slutty Mr. Rogers, it's much sexier.
#2 - A Beer Pong Table...But Sexy.
I mean, really, what the eff is this all about? A vinyl minidress and a ping pong ball necklace does not a college table game make. Beer Pong Table Costume, you are so dumb.
#3 - Whatever The Eff This Thing Is.
WHAT IS THIS? No, seriously, tell me. If it's an octopus (don't make a lady part joke) costume, why are there roughly 10,000 tentacles on this b*tch? It defies even sexy logic.
Go away.
#4 - Weird Food Sh*t, But Sexy. OBVIOUSLY.
I love sriracha sauce. It's delicious. But that doesn't make me want to pull on some nude fishnets and a pointy dispenser-shaped chapeau and call it a costume. Somebody had a surplus of sexy ketchup bottle costumes from last year. Burn them all.
(Dis)Honorable Mention: A Sexy Banana With a Psuedo Ween.
WHY WOULD ANYONE WEAR THIS? It doesn't even look like a friggin' banana, and the hang-y down thing creates the appearance of junk. Stop the insanity.
#5 - Just A Lacy Bodysuit With Some Ears Hastily Thrown On.
Please use one iota of creativity in costume creation, instead of going for the
Mean Girls method of costuming.
Black lace bodysuits are best left for goth strippers (AKA my dream job) and not boring ass Halloween ideas.
#6 - ANYTHING Miley Cyrus Related.
NO MILEY CYRUS COSTUMES THIS YEAR, in any capacity. My nonsense tanks are filled well past their limits with the Cyrus family, and I will cut you if you do this mess. I can hardly even look at a mullet lately, which breaks Billy Ray's achy breaky heart.
What costumes are you guys dreading placing your eyeballs on this year? Let's hash that sh*t out.
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