Monday, June 20, 2016

Mother, May I James Franco All Over A Movie? (A 'Mother, May I Sleep With Danger?' Recap)

As I sit here typing this, I am disappointed in myself on so many levels.

I'm sad that I didn't even want to watch this movie, with my well-documented love of the original. I feel shame that I didn't want to support Tori Spelling in her time of need -- like I'm letting down generations of Spellings.

Aaron is smiting me from beyond. Candy has cordoned off (just one of) her former gift-wrapping rooms in protest. Tori is weeping silently as she locks eyes with Dean Whatchamacallem across the decidedly-not-gift-wrapping room. Randy (???) exists somewhere. 

So, even though I don't feel like watching this complete nonsense, I will fortify my spirit with cheese and recap the new, James Franco-ed, Mother, May I Sleep With Danger. Because if not me, then who?

"Noooo onnnnne," hisses Aaron Spelling's spirit, who lives in all of our hearts, like my mom told me about Santa. No one, indeed. So, let's get this over with.

Well, here's the opening screen. And I already have a problem with this Clip Art font with the red glow.

Wait. Did I make this movie in a fugue state and this is my cinematic masterpiece? I would've chosen this shitty shit, because I'm a piece of trash juice garbage and know nothing about anything. Franco, whaddup?

We're now 18 seconds in, and I see a tiny, glimmering beacon of hope at the bottom of the screen. Ivan Sergei, the titular OG Danger is somehow involved in this. I will press on.

JAMES IHA, OF THE SMASHING GD PUMPKINS DID THE MUSIC. Peace be with us, what is happening already.

*The first song that plays is a woman repeating either "cult" or the c-word over and over. Here, we also are told this movie is based upon a novel, and I wonder if I, like all dogs, have gone to heaven.

Our first character (Danger???) is a purported goth with a bump-it and crimped hair. I need so much more cheese fortification.

Danger also loves contour. I tried to tell y'all to stop contouring so much.

At four minutes in, we're hit with the big, dramatic reveal: Danger is a "Nightwalker" or a "Night Walker" or "kind of like a vampire," and features these truly frightening fangs. Un-clench your b-holes, I know you're terrified.

We're now at six minutes, and the protagonist has stabbed her "kind of vampire" girlfriend through the heart after she is bitten by Danger, and Danger says protagonist is now a whatever thing, too. OKAY, COOL. IS THE MOVIE OVER NOW?

Protagonist is now a vampire, or something. So maybe she's Danger. Please send help.

OG Danger is a "Vampires & Sexuality" professor. Holy shit, this is the most James Franco movie that's ever James Franco-ed.

We then get *treated* to 948509483 minutes of Macbeth monologues, including this guy's, whose name is Bob, as 2016 college students are wont to be named. James Franco is, of course, the drama teacher. Treats on treats. It's like Treat Mountain, 90210 over here.

Speaking of treats, we finally rest our tired eyeballs upon Tori, the mother of Probably Actual Protagonist. Still unclear as to who actual Danger might be.

Tori is planning some big Halloween party, for which she gives her daughter protagonist an invitation, in 2016. Side note: Tori actually looks great.

There's a lot of girl-on-girl photography in this movie? (FRANCO-ED!) Also, I guess former assumed protagonist is real Danger. We know because she's wearing liquid liner, while Real Protagonist is Fresh-Faced™ and has Beach Waves™.


So, that makes real life step-daughter?

Tori just found out her daughter has a girlfriend in 2016. Read more in Not Shocking Things That Can Happen weekly. Cue a lot of girl-on-girl face touching. (FRANCO-ED!)

But the show must go on! At Macbeth practice, we get a lot of this soft-core erotica while James Franco, drama teacher, plays high-key-trying-to-be-sexy music on a boombox, nods, smirks and says, "I did not direct that." (FRANCO-ED!)

At this point, I would like to remind everyone that Tori Spelling did Jazzercise on the lawn of her college in the original Mother.

Bob sees the "kind of vampire" coven kissing and calls Tori to tell her her daughter is in trouble. (He just has acquaintances' parents' cell phone numbers?) Tori then confronts Fresh Faced about the "bad crowd" she's getting into, to which Fresh Faced replies, "You don't know crap." Then something magical happens. Tori Spelling, née Donna Martin, SAYS "SHIT" IN A LIFETIME MOVIE. 

What a time to be alive. This truly is my life's season.

The chill "kind of like a vampire" group then feeds on a would be rapist, so now we're rooting for the vampires? I don't know what's happening. We still have almost an hour to go.

Tori tells FF she can't see the girlfriend anymore, so they go take more ~sexy~ pictures, which is really 97% of this movie.

There is one more scene, where the group tells Real Danger she has to turn FF into a "kind of vampire," then guess what happens? If you guessed MOAR PICTURE TAKIN', you are smart. Or James Franco.

But, meanwhile, somebody's being a real looky-loo.

Danger reveals herself to be a Night Walker (why do they keep saying that?) but explains that she tries to only go after abusive men. So...she's maybe only danger and not Danger. FF runs away. Tori is still hiding in some flora and/or fauna.

More not-at-all-over-the-top brand play practice as James Franco, drama teacher, rubs his facial scruff in the cheap seats.

Then there's graveyard sex because FRANCO-ED! and FF says she still loves Little D danger and wants to become a Night Walker because they'll B 2GETHER 4EVER and just drink each others' blood? I don't think that's how vampires work, but also James Franco seems well-read so what do I know.

It's time for Tori's party, which is like 65% masquerade ball? It's not clear. Bob drugs FF's drink and his face looks like this. If anyone ever looks at you with this face, call the police. There's some kind of ball-shaped pill in your champagne. So maybe Bob is Danger.

As the ball pill kicks in, the mask percentages go up to like 80. Bob becomes DANGER as he takes FF out onto a grassy knoll.

Thankfully, the "kind of vampires" swoop in and dispense of Bob. Bob, we hardly knew ye. Bai.

Tori finds FF right before the knock-off Craft girls bite her and change her into a whatever. Tori's wearing her costume, which I guess is a flapper madame in a Vegas-style show in Branson, Missouri?

Somehow, Bob is back and super smug, just in time for Macbeth. James Franco, drama teacher, makes everyone snap a bunch of times, say "ooga booga" over and over, then it's SHOWTIME.

New Bob is even weirder than old Bob, so DANGER, I guess.

I don't think the play is going that well, but Tori is loving it. FF is playing Macbeth and she's wearing fishnets, so that's how you know it's cool and progressive. And because she's a girl! How topsy-turvy. (FRANCO-ED!)

Bob starts ad libbing and James Franco, drama teacher, is like, "What are they doing?" up in the cheap seats, where drama teachers sit, and Bob is just apparently being a Night Walker on stage like it's no big.

FF runs off the stage so Bob Walker DANGER doesn't kill her, but he and the other whatevers follow her out and the audience is like, "Is this the play?" So, it's just kind of like a normal play and they're just kind of like vampires.

They end up in the sex graveyard, where Tori runs in to save FF. Tori is pretty judgmental as a mom, but she keeps saving her kid from murders, so that's good.

Bob tries to kill Tori, while the Craft lite, but vampires, try to kill FF.

Girlfriend swoops in and starts ripping out tracheas and breaking tombstones.

FF is trying to save Tori by beating Bob with a tombstone gargoyle, and the viewing audience is like, "Whadda way 2 go, amirite?" (FRANCO-ED!)

Weirdly, Bob says "I love you" before the final death blow. (Franco-ed?)

Little danger drags FF out of the sex graveyard after the melee, leaving Tori's dead body. Like, rude but time-saving, I guess?

FF finally gets maybe danger to bite her and make her a why-aren't-we-just-vampires-Night-Walker. Hopefully that works out. Eternity is a long-ass time and y'all just met, but live your undead lives.

We end this cinematic dumpster fire (I mean that in the most loving way) with Bob and the other chill NWs rag-tagging it up at a Halloween party the next year, trolling for vics. Their faces are all looking a little rough from the gargoyle beatings and removed tracheas, but besides that, they're flying high on life blood!

So who is titular new Danger in Franco's masterpiece? I have no idea. I think definitely rapists, and maybe some, but not all, "kind of vampires." (FRANCO-ED!)

This was my opus. Good day.

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Monday, April 18, 2016

ColourPop VS NYX: Battle Of The Bargain Brows

Being on a makeup budget can be a real rude bitch.  

I will eat some Top Ramen like a Mike Tyson-level champ, but I refuse to walk around with brows that are less than bangin'. In a perfect world, I'd be swimming in women and Brow Wiz pencils, but that's just fiscally irresponsible for my low-rent lifestyle. Dreaming may be free, but Anastasia products sure as shit aren't, so I need cheaper options.

Luckily, there are some brow pencils under $10 (!!!) that will give that MF-ing high-dollar angel of a Brow Wiz a run for her money.  Let's explore two contenders: the ColourPop Brow Pencil and the NYX Micro Brow Pencil.

NYX Micro Brow Pencil in "Taupe" (Ulta, $9.99) has been a recent ride-or-die for me. It's SUPER similar to the Brow Wiz "Taupe" in color, size, and texture. It's also has similar cons, in that I can run through one of these puppies in a month-ish. But at less than half the cost, I can still live worth living. Kind of.

I've compared both of the guys we're discussing with a basic-ass pen so you can get an idea of the size of the brow stroke happenings. The NYX is a little thinner, and both have spoolies on the opposite end of the pencil. The NYX product is retractable, and the ColourPop isn't. Womp womp.

ColourPop is pretty new to the brow game, and as a giant GD ColourPop stan, I was dying to try some of their brow offerings. Especially for $5.

Sadly, I'm not loving this pencil. My first issue is that "Dope Taupe" isn't really taupe-y. It's more medium brown-y. It's a warmer tone and darker than I ever really want in an eyebrow pencil. YOU KNOW HOW I FEEL ABOUT THIS

But my biggest issue with the CP pencil is its texture. It's a little too creamy for my tastes (BRB vomiting), so its lasting power is diminished, like my willpower around an open bag of Ruffles chips. Those friggin' salty ridges, man. It's also a tad thicker (heh), so application is a little harder to control.

I will say that a lot of this shit is just personal preference, so I'm giving you just the facts, ma'am (or sir). ColourPop IS half the price, so file that away in your gorgeous little filofax of a brain as you wish. (Full disclosure -- I'm not really sure what a filofax is, but I feel like all of the 9 to 5 bad bitches had one and I'm trying to be cool.)

For my pennies, I'm going with the NYX pencil. I'd rather give up my chips. (That is a lie.)

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Monday, March 28, 2016

Leave Me Be, Instagram Celebrities: These Are The Only Things Want Notifications About

Everyone is losing their GD collective minds today on Instagram.

Apparently, one of the best apps to spy on c-list celebrity vacations is changing its algorithm tomorrow, showing whatever the shit it thinks will be most important to you first, instead of chronological postings. Or something. I can't really be bothered to research the details, but this has prompted an ONSLAUGHT OF FOOLISHNESS.

A photo posted by Ashley Tisdale (@ashleytisdale) on

Every human on earth now wants you to turn on notifications for their boring-ass Instagram postings. Or else you might find yourself caught unawares of what is happening in Lori Loughlin's life. Can you imagine? Prepare for your world to be in actual shambles. So please make sure that you co-sign on getting constant popups on your phone, or you'll never know that Ian Ziering had some sliced grapefruit for breakfast.

As for me, I want to have exactly zero notifications about anything in life. Unless any of the following things happen:

Melissa Joan Hart stars in a Lifetime movie wherein she rides a mini horse.

Swan's Crossing comes back on.** 

Jon Hamm inquires over my whereabouts because he wants to take me to Applebee's.

Shannen Doherty has a yard sale and is selling some prototypes of Brenda Walsh Collection Clip-On Bangs™.

There's a baby koala on my doorstep and he doesn't have a key to get in.

The wine store goes out of business and is like, "Hold on to your butts, here's a ton of free wine."

Any and all news relating to Mother May I Sleep with Danger? 

If it's none of the above, leave me the hell alone and I'll see your picture of clouds that look like a kitten when I see it.

**I challenge you to find a lower quality video on the internet.

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Tuesday, February 16, 2016

FYI: You Aren't Good Enough To Look At Prince's Passport Picture

I know, I know -- it's been a damn minute. To be completely transparent (like you know I do), I've been trying to decide the future of this blog, and if there really is one. I'm not trying to evoke any kind of reaction with this declaration; just keeping it all the way real, as I am wont to do. 

BUT, I felt compelled to come out of hibernation to share this amazing slice of heaven as soon as I saw it on UPROXX, because I love you, and what kind of dick would I be if I didn't share this purported passport picture, as presented by Prince himself?

I find it almost zero percent likely that this is Prince's actual passport photo, but really, who am I to question someone whose cat-eye liner is leaps and bounds more perfect than my own? Whose lips sport the absolute optimal amount of nude shine? Whose facial hair very closely resembles a late-'90s shave job of a lady's bathing suit area? I am not the one question this man. Not I.

Not when he has been so many generous with us.

The bounty of his spirit knows no bounds.

This man can say whatever he GD pleases.

Plus, I look like a hot pile of garbage in my passport picture. I can't say shit about shit. Bye. 

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Wednesday, January 13, 2016

The Best Things To Wear With Your Hard Rock Cafe T-Shirt

pic via etsy

At the pinnacle of '90s glamour, there was one clothing staple -- the Hard Rock Cafe t-shirt. Whether you selected the classy combo of white, flat gold, and chocolate brown colorations, or something a little more avant garde (like above), you had to have one of these mofos.

Once you had chosen your fine treasure, you would then be confronted with the biggest and most important decision in your life -- no, not what to name your future children or your adult career path -- how to wear your fancy HRC tee. Here is your style guide.


Because who doesn't love to hear their thighs swish about, singing the songs of the south(ern parts of your body)?

Knee-Length, Cuffed Bongo Shorts

pic via ebay

 To simultaneously highlight and smoosh your kneecaps.

A T-Shirt Ring

Bonus points for tortoiseshell, because it's classy as eff.

A Blossom Hat

When crushed velvet and gigantic faux foliage collide, the world wins.

A 29' Woven Leather Belt

It can never be long enough.

Slouch Socks

Warning: there are a lot of fetish pictures of slouch socks, so don't google that shit.

Keds with Those Curly Shoestrings


A Shitload of Tendrils

The thinner the tendril, the closer to Satan.

Or a Rat Tail

Actual Satan?

With a Crystal Pepsi in Your Hand

Because this tasted like cream soda made a baby with cola flavors, and everyone wants to sip on that.

The Sounds of "Cantaloop (Flip Fantasia)" in Your Ear Holes

I still have this CD single. It was the best dollar I ever spent.

Along With These in Your Ear Holes

These are timeless earring MVPs.

This concludes the most useless thing you'll read today. Or in your extended-by-cutting-edge-technology-well-into-your-100s lifetime. Bye.

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